Note: All of this content is plagiarized. If you want to find the sources, just search for the strings in quotes :)
Some professors asked a monk to lecture to them on spiritual matters. The monk ascended a podium, struck it once with his stick, and descended. The academics were dumb-founded. The monk asked them, "Do you understand what I have told you?"
One professor said, "I do not understand."
The monk said, "Then I have concluded my lecture."
Another professor said, "We will not pay you for this lecture."
Two sages were standing on a bridge over a stream.
One said to the other, "I wish I were a fish. They are so happy."
The other replied, "How do you know whether fish are happy or not? You're not a fish."
The first said, "But you're not me, so how do you know whether or not I know how fish feel?"
The other thought for a moment and replied, "Because I was a fish in my previous life."
The first scowled at him. He said, "then you wouldn't mind if I threw you off this bridge, would you?"
At that moment, the first sage attained enlightenment.
He told the other sage what had happened.
"Yeah, I attained enlightenment too," the other sage said. He was lying.
There are two kinds of people in the world: those that can count.
"The truth is, I removed all my evidence of creating this world so that the smarter guys wouldn't believe in me. And what were the consequences? My Heaven only welcomes smart people. Those people will believe in me when they meet me in person! That's what I gave them the brains for, see? The last thing I need is a bunch of loony fanatics wandering around up there, getting their nose hairs all over the furniture."
--God
"I know when you are sleeping, I know when you're awake. I know if you've been bad or good... crap, there I go, confusing myself with Santa Claus again! Seriously, though, I do know." --God
Redundancy is the unnecessary use of either needless, tautological, pleonastic or superfluous text, by which one repeats, in duplication, the same, identical, aforesaid things over and over again, beyond what would be needed or required to explain, or make comprehensible, the intended or signified meaning of that which one wishes to convey. Customarily, it is usually common in redundancy to repeat, sometimes with different phrasing or words, the same idea or reasoning, thus restating one's thoughts, sometimes paraphrasing oneself and effectively saying the same thing twice, or double.
John J. Johnson Jr. II, the current and present president of the Society for Redundancy Society, has proposed that "Redundancy is an art, capable of being captured only by the minds of those with minds capable of capturing the art of redundancy."
All-Time Favorite Russian Reversals
In Firefox, you keep tabs on your browser. In Soviet Russia, browser keeps tabs on you!
Also: In Soviet Russia, fox fires you!
In Soviet Russia, ride pimps you!
In Soviet Russia, time kills you!
In Soviet Russia, day seizes you!
In Soviet Russia, remote controls you!
In Soviet Russia, Waldo finds you!
In Soviet Russia, joke overuses you!
If all the village idiots, in all the villages in the world, left their villages to form their own village, of village idiots, in that village, of village idiots, you would be the village idiot.
How many members of a (given demographic group) does it take to change a lightbulb?
N+1 (where N is a positive whole number) -- one to hold the lightbulb, and N to behave in a fashion generally associated with a negative stereotype of that group.
2 comments:
Hi!
I'm just thrilled to see that someone likes my quote about Redundancy. I made up the whole John J. Johnson "Redundancy is an art, capable..." thing for a paper in my senior composition class (that would be Spring of 1991. I'm old) and of course I have no proof of it other than an old copy of the paper. But hey. Once I put it on Uncyclopedia, I noticed it appearing elsewhere. And that's cool. Ha ha.
Cool, I like it!
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